"sorry"

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe because I was raised in a home where I had to be. I had to be sorry all the time because I was wrong all the time. I’d get yelled at all the time for anything and everything.

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe because I’m a perfectionist. And I’m constantly setting a bar for myself to fail. It takes a lot out of me to be okay to fail, to be me, to be imperfect.

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe it’s because I had to walk on eggshells my whole life. I would beat myself up if I hadn’t thought things all the way through. “I should have known better.”

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe it’s because I got tired of walking on eggshells, thinking everything all the way through. Now I forget. So, I’m bound to be wrong.

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe because I’m a girl. One who was scared to speak and praised for her silence. Every time I wanted to speak I’d plan what I want to say over and over again. Repeat it once, twice, a third time until I felt okay to say that one statement, to ask that one question. You understand I never talked this much before.

You wonder why I say sorry too much. I’ve wondered the same.

Maybe because you didn’t know me before… how much I would say sorry. Maybe because I forgot how much I said sorry, forgot how I would slip it after ever sentence… how much that would comfort me, made me feel like I could fix things if they weren’t okay.

You wonder why I say sorry too much.